Think about it: You are who you really are, or are you “who you are” because the people around you tell you who you are? I felt the latter one, and it’s unfortunate that i have to re-adapt into being myself again by believing that my current circle of people are not what makes me “who i really am”. It’s unfortunate at the very best of it, although they’re all really nice, generous, and caring bunch of people, i just feel i have to let go of what i have right now. i felt this little decline in my personality lately, although my attitude upon meeting new people and making new friends haven’t changed a bit. Probably it’s immature and ungrateful to think that what made me the “now” me is because of the people around me, but in the moments when you’re alone having all the time life can give you to think about your life, i feel this urge to stay focused on who i chose to become in the past, and not let anyone or anything change that. It’s some kind of sadness in witnessing what you’ve become.
often i think about the probability of living my parallel life, or maybe just peeking into it. Just so that i could be grateful of what i have now, what the choices i made in the past that made me the “now” me. Maybe what led me to my present path was just because of my choice on having my lunch a few meters away from the usual restaurant, or maybe because i chose to go riding my bike to someplace rather than going straight home. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not those type of thinking that in the end gets me stressed, it’s just imagining an alternate life just for the fun of it. There were lots of choices i made in the past, mostly in my college years that i still can remember the reason the memory of the experience stayed so deeply in my mind because of the impact it had on me. Like the day i chose to move to another faculty because of some silly reason (and never did i regret that decision ), or the day i took off riding my dads motorcycle around town even when i was 3 years under the legal age for driving, or the day i rode my motorcycle alone out of town to just enjoy my spare time even though i only barely had money to buy gas, or the first time i showed my feelings to the girl i genuinely liked and at the same time felt rejection for the first time, and the downward spiral that came after.
It’s a feeling of “what if i didn’t do this?”, “what f i didn’t do that?”, and in the end not caring of the “what ifs” because you’re glad you took the courage to do what you thought was impossible for you. So as usual, i write a post that contradicts myself by asking myself this: ” If you’re really that eager to go back being your true self, why are you so grateful for what you are now?”.
So this is my conclusion. It’s experiences after the choices we make that are truly unique for each individuals, what makes you “you” is the choices you make in life, either small or in a grand scale. If it changes you into something new then just suck it up and live with it, it’s life. It’s never stagnant, it constantly changes. Something new is always something better if we know how to adapt to “new”.