You know how to read. Read this Mr.Two Face.

At the moment i feel fine, because i know i’ll have a great amount of time watching you suffer from being a two faced motherfuck*r. If you think  you can badmouth me behind my back without any consequence, you’re mistaken my friend. I’m calling you out from this article i’m making. I’m not going to lie, i know i’m being a bad person by doing what i am doing. But the hatred in my mind is just too huge to contain anymore. I’ve always backed you up whenever you were in trouble, from pushing your broken down motorcycle for miles and miles of sketchy Jakarta’s urban streets, up to accompanying you when your grandfather passed away. But to know the cold hard truth about what you were really doing behind my back just really disgusts me. I’m just eaten by anger because i should’ve known about this long ago but i chose not to suspect you of anything. Having a jolly laugh and smiling all the time in front of me, but accusing me of being someone i’m not behind my back.

Of all these years being my friend..or may i say pretending to be my friend. You’ve been nothing but a helping hand to me, whenever i needed someone to talk to you’d be one of the first to respond. Especially when i was finishing my final paper in college that took me roughly two years to finish. i’ve considered you a close tight friend. But you know what they say about a glass of milk that could be ruined by a drop of ink? Yeah, that’s the situation you’re in. No more words from your mouth that i would trust in the future, everything you say, i would take it with a grain of salt.

Who are you?…..

Think about it: You are who you really are, or are you “who you are” because the people around you tell you who you are? I felt the latter one, and it’s unfortunate that i have to re-adapt into being myself again by believing that my current circle of people are not what makes me “who i really am”. It’s unfortunate at the very best of it, although they’re all really nice, generous, and caring bunch of people, i just feel i have to let go of what i have right now. i felt this little decline in my personality lately, although my attitude upon meeting new people and making new friends haven’t changed a bit. Probably it’s immature and ungrateful to think that what made me the “now” me is because of the people around me, but in the moments when you’re alone having all the time life can give you to think about your life, i feel this urge to stay focused on who i chose to become in the past, and not let anyone or anything change that. It’s some kind of sadness in witnessing what you’ve become.

often i think about the probability of living my parallel life, or maybe just peeking into it. Just so that i could be grateful of what i have now, what the choices i made in the past that made me the “now” me. Maybe what led me to my present path was just because of my choice on having my lunch a few meters away from the usual restaurant, or maybe because i chose to go riding my bike to someplace rather than going straight home. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not those type of thinking that in the end gets me stressed, it’s just imagining an alternate life just for the fun of it. There were lots of choices i made in the past, mostly in my college years that i still can remember the reason the memory of the experience stayed so deeply in my mind because of the impact it had on me. Like the day i chose to move to another faculty because of some silly reason (and never did i regret that decision ), or the day i took off riding my dads motorcycle around town even when i was 3 years under the legal age for driving, or the day i rode my motorcycle alone out of town to just enjoy my spare time even though i only barely had money to buy gas, or the first time i showed my feelings to the girl i genuinely liked and at the same time felt rejection for the first time, and the downward spiral that came after.

It’s a feeling of “what if i didn’t do this?”, “what f i didn’t do that?”, and in the end not caring of the “what ifs” because you’re glad you took the courage to do what you thought was impossible for you. So as usual, i write a post that contradicts myself by asking myself this: ” If you’re really that eager to go back being your true self, why are you so grateful for what you are now?”.

So this is my conclusion. It’s experiences after the choices we make that are truly unique for each individuals, what makes you “you” is the choices you make in life, either small or in a grand scale. If it changes you into something new then just suck it up and live with it, it’s life. It’s never stagnant, it constantly changes. Something new is always something better if we know how to adapt to “new”.



My “Kartini’s”

I’m glad to have modern versions of R.A.Kartini in my circle of female friends other than in my family. And in the 22nd of April, today that is. All i had in mind was to congratulate them for their own struggle and courage in living their lives, and living it with flying colours. Four of my close female friends i really regard highly because of their life experiences, in Diana, Yossa, Uun, and Salsa’s and a few more that i learn more in enduring challenges in my own life, the stories of their each and own unique struggles in life managed to inspire and teach me on how to  treat women, tolerate differences among race, and how to be more patient in handling problems just like what Kartini influences us till today with her teachings. Thanks to them i could be a much more mature man, a better friend to women around me and hopefully any woman that would be my  lover in the future. Although in general my family already taught me those by presenting living examples on how to behave, but in this article i would like to more thoroughly concentrate on the friends more. This is what i love about my friendship with them, it’s like adding family members for me. No taboo in sharing experiences, solving problems together, helping out and looking out for each other, and the most important of all is that we back each other out sincerely without expecting any rewards from each other. Other than my family, the main four of them are the ones i look up to when i’m feeling so low and depressed, i’m  an easily depressed guy for starters so that would be a challenge to anyone who would want to know me a little better, and a more of a lone gunmen rather than a pack. They are truly my “family” outside of my family. Got more to write but i gotta stop with my eyes that couldn’t tolerate more than 5 minutes of wake time in 5am like this. So there it is, i dedicate part of  my life for them. Thanks guys…. girls:)

By the way,i’ll definitely make an article about my bro’s when father’s day comes. hahaha..

Enjoying in a “grey” point of view.

Enjoying “Time” in two point of views, either from the scientific way or the philosophical way. I remember about a year and a half ago i argued about the concept of time, questioned if it is real as in an intangible matter such as wind, or was it something that was made up by man as a tool to track down ongoing activities. I was just curious, actually very curious at that time. I always had the time to research it online or through books, it just fascinated me on how man at the first stage of evolution could think outside the range of  the norm.  Well maybe at that time people just got tired of being late when meeting each other for dinner and the movies or other more logical reasons than what  i just proposed.  i was so  uninformed about the basic concept of time at that time..maybe still till now where the sun circulates the earth ( oops.. ) at different range of duration at some points of their meeting points(?) but considering the earths dynamic movements or -in some radical theories- the growth of the earth effect the measurement of time that our ancestors established so long ago? so is time a tangible object that changes itself accordingly through the life cycle of the earth, or more of a man made study to help ourselves get through time?.. i know it sounds irrational..well it is, please pardon my level of IQ in this sort of study because i’m currently studying in social matters. so that comes to the philosophical point of view on Time,  where i find sometimes myself in a contemporary state when witnessing time when  it is in action, the simplest example i could think of is when we’re in our happiest moments we feel time just flying by and when we are in a non physical pain or agony we feel as if time is just standing still. So where was time when i was happy and why  was time so  friendly with me to nurture my psychological pain. I once imagined time as a being that lived among us as a dark matter and looked like the green colored codes that flew by relentlessly around Neo in the movie Matrix. But my brain got tired on questioning something that already surrounded me and gave benefits to me as a human being, and would i even be satisfied  with the answer i would get  even if i at last found the answer.. maybe not, but there’s a big chance i wont be too curious anymore although i wont reach the peak of human happiness.

Aaand i’ll end my article with an apology because i was just thinking out loud about the concept of time with the thinking capacity i have currently… and currently my mind is not in its best condition. har har har


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